What Brown Can't Do For You

I resent my inability to rap. As someone without any viable or marketable skills, it would be a nice arrow to have in my currently barren quiver. See, I have a tendency to stammer and mispronounce words whenever I hastily attempt to sing along with a rap song. I am like Eliza Doolittle, only I sell corporate retirement solutions instead of flowers. Ironically, however, I am really proficient at rolling my Rs, which makes it somewhat of a tragedy that I am not Spanish.

In addition to their cunning linguistic agility, rappers can also incontestably infuse ridiculous words into the popular lexicon. For instance, what the fuck is a “Soulja Boy”? Is it a new breed of human? I would have liked to be in that delivery room when the doctor pronounced, “congratulations, it’s an eight pound seven ounce Soulja Boy!”

This phenomenon served as the basis for posting “Snoop Dogg To Judge Grammar Rodeo” on the Daily Lodger website three years ago (which can be found here: http://www.geocities.com/duuues/morenews.html)

When it comes to using grammar, you have to give Snoop Dogg his propers.

This article details how Snoop, who frivolously manipulates the English language to suit his own needs, will be critiquing contestants on their grammatical abilities. In addition, Snoop also will perform a song he prepared for the event entitled “Upper Was The Case (They Gave Me),” a remix of his innocence anthem “Mrder Was the Case”

I have always wondered what that song would sound like, so I finally eased my curiosity and cobbled together the following lyrics:

“UPPER WAS THE CASE (THEY GAVE ME)”

Spoken over music:

I am standing in front of the judge
It looks like he is gonna give me a long sentence
Things are about to get tense
And I am too young to diagram

Hook:

Upper was the case that they gave me
If it’s capital punishment, then let it be.
Can’t remember what comes after THC
Is it i or is it e?

I’m gonna put my pipe away cause I’m hooked on phonics
It’s time for proper grammar so forget your ebonics
So if you can’t dot every I or cross every t
Your ass ain’t even cut out for a fuckin spelling bee

Gonna censure my cursive so need to get my penmanship ready
Printing ain’t easy but it’s necessary.
You best know when to use a proper noun
Or else you nothing but a grammar rodeo clown

This competition can breed so much unnecessary drama
Like when you forget to put a comma between baby and mamma
And just when the downpour becomes a light drizzle
You end your future by dangling a partipizzle.

Upper was the case that they gave me
If it’s capital punishment, then let it be.
Can’t remember what comes after THC
Is it i or is it e?

Time to diagram and you should have no excuse
You best spot compound objects like gin and juice.
When I use exclamation points and raise my inflection
Can you feel the size of my interjection?

If your punctuation is off key, home is where you’re goin’
You’ll need to leave the stage and clear out your colon
So if you think your winning the trophy, you just plain wrong
You can just turn your ass around and let me see your diphthong

Upper was the case that they gave me
If it’s capital punishment, then let it be.
Can’t remember what comes after THC
Is it i or is it e?

Spoken over music:

My judging the rodeo isn’t an errand
Just another opportunity to use the possessive before the gerund.

Verb to your mother

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great holiday season and I implore you to post your own lyrics to Upper Was the Case, as it is currently not worthy of studio time. Take care.