Friday, July 20, 2007
If Betting on Black is Wrong, Then I Don't Want to be Snipes
I am red in the face for not taking your adviceI have a long and storied history of not setting goals for myself. Since I have consistently disappointed everyone in my life for the past 26 years, I figure why add myself to that ever growing list.
However, while recently attending a bachelor party in Las Vegas, I made an all too infrequent exception to this steadfast rule and set out to accomplish the following:
1. Hit the roulette tables and advance the Wesley Snipes Postulate.
2. Make it rain
Since Pac Man Jones’ zeal and entourage made the second a crime in 47 states, let’s address number one. Like all those who grew up in the 1990’s, Wesley Snipes was a staple of my childhood. Whether it was his maniacal, blonde-haired Simon Phoenix, who disrupts a futuristic utopia while sprouting asinine nominal expressions like “Simon says . . . die” in Demolition Man, or his ruthless, calculating, and beret wearing drug mogul Nino Brown in New Jack City, Wesley consistently provided a quotable reference point that helped me through my painful adolescent years.
However, it was his turn as pained and uncompromising hostage negotiation specialist John Cutter in Passenger 57 that defined Wesley as a man of unmistakable bravado who would take on just about any role that allowed him to employ his pseudo kung-fu. It has been fifteen years since this concise, yet exhilarating 84 minute action masterpiece affixed itself onto celluloid and introduced, what statisticians have deemed, the Wesley Snipes Postulate. For the uninitiated, Snipes’ character, in the midst of an intense, airborne hostage crisis, was able to simultaneously thwart terrorists with no cause and advance the following groundbreaking gaming principle that turned the academic and gambling communities upside down: When playing roulette, always bet on black.
While bouncing from casino to casino in Vegas, I employed this practice discreetly and came out ahead $400. In gratitude, I immediately donated my winnings towards paying Wesley’s debt to the IRS. But, I still felt that wasn’t enough.
So, in order to honor this deserving film, I have decided to sit down with my company laptop, which explicitly is to be used for business purposes, and draft a running diary of the unfolding action. I can only hope I can do it justice—a concept Wesley doles out in spades.
00:00:00: I just tore through the NetFlix packaging in eager anticipation and much to my delight, the DVD offers both the standard and widescreen versions of the movie. I am guessing they are both the same, so I opt for the widescreen—this way I can see Wesley kick ass just how the film makers intended.
00:1:48: The credits are rolling and Elizabeth Hurley’s name appears on the screen. For those who want unmitigated proof she had a nose job, move this movie up a few notches on your que.
00:02:31: So far the credits have been disappointing. It displays overlapping images of guns, knives and pictures of the main antagonist, which is fine, however the accompanying music sounds like a preset from a Casio Keyboard circa 1987. I would have chosen something a bit foreboding, but the director seems steadfast in his choice of some bastardized, synthesized version of the Happy Birthday Song.
00:03:18: We are immediately introduced to a mysterious figure, Mr. Rane, who is about to undergo what seems to be routine cosmetic surgery. For someone already in the OR and moments from going underneath the knife, he seems quite lucid and not under the influence of anesthetics. Either this hospital is grossly derelict in being up to code, or this guy is just a bad ass.
00:03:27: Well it is most definitely the latter, as he bitch slaps the attending nurses’ hand away as she attempts to gas him. He coldly looks at the stupefied surgeon and whispers, “There will be no pain.” As he is blinded by his cavalier attitude, he forgets that there will be no gain either. Oh, by the way, the surgeon complies to proceed without hesitation--not the most flattering depiction of the medical profession.
00:05:08: A SWAT team has stormed the hospital and is after the man in the operating chair, now identified as Charles Rane. According to the SWAT team leader, Rane is always changing his face. Either Rane is a much sought after man or just really, really insecure. Perhaps he has what it takes to be the next Swan. Incidentally, he has slit the doctor’s throat and jumped out a window. Actions of a desperate man or a calculating genius? . . . Let’s find out.
00:05:51: Desperate man . . . he is instantly caught.
00:06:40: The movie jumps to an airplane where we are introduced to Wesley Snipes. He is casually dressed in an outfit from the A.C. Slater collection: Leather jacket, turtleneck, washed jeans and no belt. Wait a second, he just pulled out a gun and is ominously following a flight attendant who looks like she is on the deed to the Neverland Ranch. I thought you were the good guy Wesley . . .
00:07:14: It was just a simulated high-jacking. The flight attendant is able to wrestle the gun away by jamming her heel on Wesley’s instep. Wesley, who is the instructor of the exercise, is upset that she improvised on his training techniques. Apparently she doesn’t know the rules.
Rule #1: Don’t Cross Wesley.
Rule #2: If you don’t follow Rule #1, you don’t live to hear Rule# 2.
Wesley grants her clemency and you can maim the sexual tension with a box cutter.
00:09:14: A slim and sober Tom Sizemore appears and you can briefly see his VH-1 camera crew on screen. He offers Wesley, whose character is John Cutter, the job of Head of Counter Terrorism for a Major airline—apparently Jack Bauer just took the job at Delta. In return, Sizemore would like some crack. Everybody wins.
00:11:32: The movie jumps to a prison where Charles Rane is meeting with his attorney. The attorney informs Rane that he is being transported to Los Angeles, where prosecutors will push for the death penalty (this sets up the remaining plot nicely—the crazy, desperate man has to get on a plane). His attorney explains that his only hope is to attempt an insanity plea. Rane is quite unreceptive to this idea and demonstrates that by banging his lawyer’s head against the table. “Man often mistakes genius for insanity” explains Rane. He then proceeds to coerce his lawyer to repeat the line “Charles Rane is not insane” in a Lady MacBeth-like fashion. Pure genius.
However, while recently attending a bachelor party in Las Vegas, I made an all too infrequent exception to this steadfast rule and set out to accomplish the following:
1. Hit the roulette tables and advance the Wesley Snipes Postulate.
2. Make it rain
Since Pac Man Jones’ zeal and entourage made the second a crime in 47 states, let’s address number one. Like all those who grew up in the 1990’s, Wesley Snipes was a staple of my childhood. Whether it was his maniacal, blonde-haired Simon Phoenix, who disrupts a futuristic utopia while sprouting asinine nominal expressions like “Simon says . . . die” in Demolition Man, or his ruthless, calculating, and beret wearing drug mogul Nino Brown in New Jack City, Wesley consistently provided a quotable reference point that helped me through my painful adolescent years.
However, it was his turn as pained and uncompromising hostage negotiation specialist John Cutter in Passenger 57 that defined Wesley as a man of unmistakable bravado who would take on just about any role that allowed him to employ his pseudo kung-fu. It has been fifteen years since this concise, yet exhilarating 84 minute action masterpiece affixed itself onto celluloid and introduced, what statisticians have deemed, the Wesley Snipes Postulate. For the uninitiated, Snipes’ character, in the midst of an intense, airborne hostage crisis, was able to simultaneously thwart terrorists with no cause and advance the following groundbreaking gaming principle that turned the academic and gambling communities upside down: When playing roulette, always bet on black.
While bouncing from casino to casino in Vegas, I employed this practice discreetly and came out ahead $400. In gratitude, I immediately donated my winnings towards paying Wesley’s debt to the IRS. But, I still felt that wasn’t enough.
So, in order to honor this deserving film, I have decided to sit down with my company laptop, which explicitly is to be used for business purposes, and draft a running diary of the unfolding action. I can only hope I can do it justice—a concept Wesley doles out in spades.
00:00:00: I just tore through the NetFlix packaging in eager anticipation and much to my delight, the DVD offers both the standard and widescreen versions of the movie. I am guessing they are both the same, so I opt for the widescreen—this way I can see Wesley kick ass just how the film makers intended.
00:1:48: The credits are rolling and Elizabeth Hurley’s name appears on the screen. For those who want unmitigated proof she had a nose job, move this movie up a few notches on your que.
00:02:31: So far the credits have been disappointing. It displays overlapping images of guns, knives and pictures of the main antagonist, which is fine, however the accompanying music sounds like a preset from a Casio Keyboard circa 1987. I would have chosen something a bit foreboding, but the director seems steadfast in his choice of some bastardized, synthesized version of the Happy Birthday Song.
00:03:18: We are immediately introduced to a mysterious figure, Mr. Rane, who is about to undergo what seems to be routine cosmetic surgery. For someone already in the OR and moments from going underneath the knife, he seems quite lucid and not under the influence of anesthetics. Either this hospital is grossly derelict in being up to code, or this guy is just a bad ass.
00:03:27: Well it is most definitely the latter, as he bitch slaps the attending nurses’ hand away as she attempts to gas him. He coldly looks at the stupefied surgeon and whispers, “There will be no pain.” As he is blinded by his cavalier attitude, he forgets that there will be no gain either. Oh, by the way, the surgeon complies to proceed without hesitation--not the most flattering depiction of the medical profession.
00:05:08: A SWAT team has stormed the hospital and is after the man in the operating chair, now identified as Charles Rane. According to the SWAT team leader, Rane is always changing his face. Either Rane is a much sought after man or just really, really insecure. Perhaps he has what it takes to be the next Swan. Incidentally, he has slit the doctor’s throat and jumped out a window. Actions of a desperate man or a calculating genius? . . . Let’s find out.
00:05:51: Desperate man . . . he is instantly caught.
00:06:40: The movie jumps to an airplane where we are introduced to Wesley Snipes. He is casually dressed in an outfit from the A.C. Slater collection: Leather jacket, turtleneck, washed jeans and no belt. Wait a second, he just pulled out a gun and is ominously following a flight attendant who looks like she is on the deed to the Neverland Ranch. I thought you were the good guy Wesley . . .
00:07:14: It was just a simulated high-jacking. The flight attendant is able to wrestle the gun away by jamming her heel on Wesley’s instep. Wesley, who is the instructor of the exercise, is upset that she improvised on his training techniques. Apparently she doesn’t know the rules.
Rule #1: Don’t Cross Wesley.
Rule #2: If you don’t follow Rule #1, you don’t live to hear Rule# 2.
Wesley grants her clemency and you can maim the sexual tension with a box cutter.
00:09:14: A slim and sober Tom Sizemore appears and you can briefly see his VH-1 camera crew on screen. He offers Wesley, whose character is John Cutter, the job of Head of Counter Terrorism for a Major airline—apparently Jack Bauer just took the job at Delta. In return, Sizemore would like some crack. Everybody wins.
00:11:32: The movie jumps to a prison where Charles Rane is meeting with his attorney. The attorney informs Rane that he is being transported to Los Angeles, where prosecutors will push for the death penalty (this sets up the remaining plot nicely—the crazy, desperate man has to get on a plane). His attorney explains that his only hope is to attempt an insanity plea. Rane is quite unreceptive to this idea and demonstrates that by banging his lawyer’s head against the table. “Man often mistakes genius for insanity” explains Rane. He then proceeds to coerce his lawyer to repeat the line “Charles Rane is not insane” in a Lady MacBeth-like fashion. Pure genius.
Insane in the Mem-"Rane"
00:13:10: We now see a shirtless Wesley meditating in his bedroom. It is decorated in an Eastern motif that was obviously taken from the set of Rising Sun. We are now getting a glimpse of Wesley’s tortured past, as a black and white flashback reveals how his wife was killed in a convenience store robbery. In the end of this sequence, Wesley tries convince his dying wife that “It is not too bad . . . everything is going to be alright” She can not hear him as she has been shot in the head from point blank range.
00:15:36: After much contemplation and bad elevator music, Wesley accepts the job and will be introduced to the stockholders in Los Angeles—wait a second, isn’t that is where Charles Rane is going? They won’t possibly be on the same plane . . . will they?
00:18:54: Yes. And so is the disobedient flight attendant from the training session. And thus, the tightly scripted first act seems to have concluded with plot progressing payoffs. Also, Elizabeth Hurley is introduced. She is actually tackling the challenging duel role of flight attendant/ant eater.
00:21:30: The flight attendant, who has been identified as Marti, is counting out the passengers. She comes across Passenger 57, who of course is Wesley. He is reading the “Art of War,” not the ancient Chinese book of tactical strategies, but the script to a future shitty project. The tension between to characters is still marginally palpable.
00:25:20: Wesley and Marti speak for the first time and there is still rancor in the air. Marti calls him a control freak. Wesley goes off script and claims “I’m a freak alright, but you can be in control” His reward for such an impromptu rejoinder, an icy glare and a packet of aspirin.
00:26:41: Marti fills the empty seat next to Wesley with a frigid white bitch who looks like she finished behind Elanor Roosevelt in the Miss Hyde Park pageant. She confuses Wesley with Arsenio Hall. Consequently, she does not get to hear Rule 2. Also, there are subtle hints suggesting that Elizabeth Hurley’s character may not be all she seems, which is fitting.
00:28:00: Not subtle enough. While Wesley is in the bathroom, a balding man in the cargo department (a poor man’s Clint Howard, if that’s possible) supplies Hurley with a gun. She shoots the two agents accompanying Rane and he takes over the plane with some goons who are among the passengers. Wesley is confronted by a gun toting goon with a mullet, but disposes of him and uses him as a shield. In a standoff, Rane coldly kills Passenger 56. Thus, all those clamoring for a prequel will be decidedly disappointed.
00:33:03: Wesley and Marti escape to the cargo area where they confront Rane’s mole. Wesley proves that white men can’t jump kick, and employs some frenetic hybrid karate to easily defeat him. Even amongst all the chaos, Wesley calmly spews the apropos line “When you got to go, you got to go” as he sends the vanquished careening into an oddly, yet conveniently, placed bathroom.
00:36:35: Back at the airline headquarters, officials have identified the highjacker as Charles Rane, or by his fitting moniker, “The Rane of Terror.” Bruce Greenwood (John from Cincinatti) plays the airline director, who isn’t exactly floating on air when he hears the FBI brought a terrorist aboard his plane without prior notice. He is now forced to take this situation by the Ranes . . . terrible.
00:37:14: Wesley cuts the fuel line and the plane is “going to go down one way or the other,” according to the pilot. The plane has to land in some redneck area of Louisiana. I have a feeling the traditional by the book local sheriff and the flashy, judge-me-by results style of Wesley Snipes are going to clash.
00:39:55: Rane calls Wesley down in the cargo area. We have finally arrived at the moment we have been waiting for. I can sense it. The postulate is about to be presented. There seems to be a mutual respect between Rane and Snipes, but it is clear their ideologies and morals clash. Finally, Wesley poses the question to Rane:
“Ever play roulette?”
“On occasion,” Rane coolly responds.
Then, as if the filmmaker knew the significance of the moment, he furiously closes in on Snipes from at least 30 feet away so he can capture the gravity of the following line:
“Always bet on black”
And there you go. Cinematic and statistical history. In retrospect however, the line seems a bit forced. It is as if the screenwriter had come up with this line first and then wrote some hackneyed hijack movie around it. On second thought, that is exactly what happened.
00:41:11: Rane dispatches stereotypical, pony tailed goon #2 down to the cargo area. He is able to kick Snipes off the plane while keeping Marti on board. The plane lands in Louisiana, just yards away from a crowded fair ground –Snipes is obviously not injured. Local Louisiana authorities arrive on the scene and immediately take Wesley into custody—he is sentenced to be executed within 5 minutes.
00:48:38: Cooler heads prevail, but the local authorities begin to negotiate with Rane before the feds can arrive at the scene. In return for fuel, Rane describes a co-conspirator who betrayed him as “a black man . . . very smooth and convincing.” Embarrassed that he let Omar Epps slip through his fingers, the sheriff keeps Wesley in custody to save face.
00:50:57: Rane let’s some passengers go, however he escapes amongst the commotion and heads toward the fairgrounds. After, the local cops keep calling him “boy,” Wesley does some more quasi-fu moves and escapes with one of their motorcycles. As he has a weakness for cinna-sticks, he too heads toward the fair.
00:56:31: At the fair, Rane and Snipes’ paths cross. Shots are fired and a clown is hit in the back. He is now crying on the outside.
00:59:01: Rane is apprehended after a shoot out at the carousel. Unfortunately, there is a lot of collateral damage as many porcelain horses are euthanized.
01:02:12: Even though he is in custody, Rane instructed his men to kill hostages every 20 minutes. Hence, Rane uses this as leverage to convince Snipes to let him back on the plane. All Snipes can do is accept his terms and sulk in his bomber jacket.
01:08:04: Rane is able to manipulate his way back on board. However, Snipes and the local sheriff temporarily reconcile their differences through trite, playful banter and are able to get Snipes back on the plane unbeknownst to Rane.
01:13:07: Snipes easily eliminates Rane’s pony-tailed henchman by telling him his look is sooooo last season and makes his way toward the cockpit. In doing so, he smacks Hurley across the face and sets her nose in place.
01:15:27: Snipes and Rane begin engage in hand to hand combat. At first, Rane’s White Lotus seems like it can counter Snipes’ Black Hand. Ultimately, however, Snipes conquers his foe by kicking him out an exit window. In doing so, he exclaims “I am tired of this motha fuckin Rane on this mother fuckin plane!!”
01:18:41: The plane lands safely and Snipes is met with a hero’s welcome and a new girlfriend, Marti. Will there be fireworks?
01:21:02: Yes. Despite the shootings and carnie casualties, the fair decides the show must go on and proceeds with its elaborate fireworks display as the credits roll.
Watching this movie is always a rewarding endeavor and I appreciate all those who experienced it vicariously through this blog.
As I reflect on it further however, I still owe Passenger 57 a debt of gratitude as it allowed me to accomplish the second goal I mentioned at the outset of this post: I finally made it Rane.
I would like to make the running diary a common feature of this space to compensate for the recent lack of activity and I implore you to leave your recommendations of movies you would like to see chronicled in real time. I hope all is well and take care.
