What Brown Can't Do For You

Well, it is official. Another installment of the once proud and inspirational Rocky franchise is forthcoming (or is it sixth-coming?). I for one am disappointed as I was quite content where the arc of the Rocky character had previously ended: a stuttering, broke, washed-up former champion who had attained one last moral victory in a brutal street fight with his impressionable and robot-less 10 year old son looking on. What else does he have to prove? If you ask me, the Rocky series should have ended with the fourth movie where Rocky defeats the seemingly invincable Ivan Drago, thereby triggering the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union. Even to this day, some historians and scholars contend that the two most significant casualties of the Cold War are Communist Russia and Apollo Creed. However, this diplomatic and socio-political victory wasn't enough to feed the insatiable ego of Sylvester Stallone, who selfishly felt compelled to squeeze enough juice out Drago to make the ill-fated Rocky V, which was riddled with flaws in continuity. For instance, despite being released 5 years after the previous chapter, the film begins the day following the epic Balboa-Drago "Rumble to Mumble" fight. The aging of both Balboa and his bi-polar wife Adrienne is quite palpable, however, perhaps the jet lag and emotional toll of their trip to Moscow could provde an explanation for their haggard appearance. What is inexplicable, however, is, not only has their son aged eight years, he has simply been replaced by Sylvester Stallone's real life child, naive and ironically named, Sage Stallone.

This is just one of the many inconsistentcies that plagued the ambitious, yet hapless Rocky V. So why invest the time, money, and talent to produce yet another potentially disastrous Rocky film when there are so many other movies deserving of a sequel or, at least, a remake? Once such movie that has gone unrecognized for over two decades is Berry Gordy's Motown infused Kung Fu-sical The Last Dragon.

I specifically mention this movie simply because it is the first one I can remember watching. Growing up, I was hampered by chronically tight hamstrings that prevented me from ever learning the disciplined art of Kung Fu. My condition was so debilitating that I would painfully and enviously watch my fellow pre-schoolers sit Indian style while I was exempted from doing so by a doctor's note. The Last Dragon, however, provided a refuge in which I could vicariously experience the fast-paced thrills and physicality of inner city dojo life.

For those unfortunate ones who are unfamiliar with the movie, let me provide a brief summary. The protagonist of the story is "Bruce" LeRoy Green who, at the onset of the movie, is told by his master that his formal training is complete. LeRoy must embark on a journey in which he must reach the "final level" (and no there is no code Contra fans) that will be signified by the appearance of a sublime luminous glow surrounding his body. Meanwhile, LeRoy's reputation as a Kung Fu virtuoso infuriates the local Shogun of Harlem, Sho' Nuff, who is seeking sole kung fu supremecy over his 3 by 4 block purview in Harlem. He relentlessly badgers and bates the pacifistic LeRoy, who willfully resists engaging in combat with the nefarious Sho. However, LeRoy's patience is tested when Sho vandalizes his father's pizza parlor and the evil video game mogul Eddie Arcadian forcefully interferes in the affairs of LeRoy's lady friend, television and music personality Laura Charles. Soon, the movie climaxes as Sho and Arcadian join forces to bring down the peaceful and unsuspecting LeRoy. The two succeed at provoking LeRoy into action, and in doing so, he succeeds in attaining the final level and the glow. Roll the credits, right? Wrong!! Turns out that, Sho'Nuff has also acquired the sublime glow that you get by either being really good at Kung Fu or living near Chrenobyl. The movie then culminates in a fight between the two with LeRoy emerging victorious, ultimately catching a bullet with his teeth.