Thursday, August 30, 2007
Let's Do Some Headlines
In the Spring of 2004, I decided that it would be in my best interest to put my school work aside and establish a rudimentary website that would only be seen by those whom I begged. I even included a hit counter to track its progress and popularity; although its inflated numbers resulted from afternoons of missed classes I spent hitting the refresh button. The website, entitled the Daily Lodger, was as a fake newspaper consisting of terribly written articles and all too infrequent updates. Hence, its misleading title was not so much a misnomer as it was the product of my own laziness.
It has been three long years since the last article, “Fat Child Chosen First in Dodgeball,” was published and I feel an obligation to provide closure to all those who have inquired when the next installment would appear. So, if you will indulge me, I will use this blog as a forum to give the Daily Lodger the send-off it never deserved:
TOP STORY
EA Sports Announces Boston Terrier Will Appear on the Cover of “Vick ‘08”
REDWOOD CITY, CA—After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of “Vick ’08,” its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise.
“Our Board of Directors and programming staff are pleased to announce that the Boston Terrier will adorn the front casing of the 2008 edition of Michael Vick Dog Fighting,” Riccitiello said. “We collectively believe this beautifully violent animal possesses both the tangible and intangible qualities necessary to succeed inside the ring and is poised to have another outstanding year . . . or in his case seven”
The producers of the game were so impressed with the overall skill of the Boston Terrier that it is rumored the animal will have a Jaw Strength rating of 100, a first in the history of the “Vick” series.
Although being chosen to appear on the “Vick” cover is a coveted distinction, it has recently developed a more dubious reputation. However, handlers of the Boston Terrier refused to lend credence to theory of the “Vick Jinx,” which surfaced after previous cover dogs failed to reproduce their prior successes with tragic consequences. The English Mastiff, which appeared on the jacket of the 2007 edition, was electrocuted while 2005 poster dog, the Akita Inu, was playfully led to the woods and shot.
Upon receiving the news of the incident, Ice Cube, whose 1992 hit “Check Yo’ Self “ poignantly articulated the consequences of Culpepper’s actions, released the following statement:
“I believe that we will reach a day when there will be universal recognition that checking oneself is the only preventative measure to wrecking yo self. Are We There Yet? No. Will it happen Friday? No . . . Next Friday? No . . . The Friday After Next? No. I have to say X-X-X to that because that is just the State of the Union. This is Dangerous Ground and it is not like Higher Learning on such an important and socially relevant issue like this one can be purchased in some Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin. It takes time.”
Culpepper’s assailant still remains at-large, however sources within the LAPD have hinted that the shooting was justified and any charges would be quickly dismissed.
NATIONAL BRIEFS
President Bush Elevates Threat Level After Reading Spoiler Alert
WASHINGTON, DC--Department of Homeland Security spokesman Russ Knocke announced President Bush has elevated the National Threat Level to Orange after reading a disturbing spoiler alert on an IMDB message board.
According to Knocke, Bush had been perusing the Smallville forum on the popular movie database website, when he encountered an alarming message from Lex_Loser69.
“In his downtime yesterday afternoon, President Bush went online to opine and speculate about the much anticipated upcoming 7th season with other Smallville enthusiasts. That is when he came across the disconcerting spoiler alert,” Knocke said. “The unidentified user, who goes by Lex underscore Loser 69, claimed a supernatural attack on Smallville will result in the possible death of Chloe, Clark Kent’s best friend. Our latest multi-sourced intelligence validates this assertion and the President is taking this threat to our national security very seriously.”
According to several White House insiders, President Bush has been placed in an undisclosed location and has issued a deployment consisting of US military forces and state militia to the fictional Kansas farming community.
It has been three long years since the last article, “Fat Child Chosen First in Dodgeball,” was published and I feel an obligation to provide closure to all those who have inquired when the next installment would appear. So, if you will indulge me, I will use this blog as a forum to give the Daily Lodger the send-off it never deserved:
TOP STORY
EA Sports Announces Boston Terrier Will Appear on the Cover of “Vick ‘08”
REDWOOD CITY, CA—After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of “Vick ’08,” its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise.
“Our Board of Directors and programming staff are pleased to announce that the Boston Terrier will adorn the front casing of the 2008 edition of Michael Vick Dog Fighting,” Riccitiello said. “We collectively believe this beautifully violent animal possesses both the tangible and intangible qualities necessary to succeed inside the ring and is poised to have another outstanding year . . . or in his case seven”
The producers of the game were so impressed with the overall skill of the Boston Terrier that it is rumored the animal will have a Jaw Strength rating of 100, a first in the history of the “Vick” series.
Although being chosen to appear on the “Vick” cover is a coveted distinction, it has recently developed a more dubious reputation. However, handlers of the Boston Terrier refused to lend credence to theory of the “Vick Jinx,” which surfaced after previous cover dogs failed to reproduce their prior successes with tragic consequences. The English Mastiff, which appeared on the jacket of the 2007 edition, was electrocuted while 2005 poster dog, the Akita Inu, was playfully led to the woods and shot.
The cover may be lacking in bark, but the game has a lot of bite
“Those dogs were flash in the pans and didn’t have the commitment to remain champions,” claims Boston Terrier owner Jeremiah Henderson. “After their ‘Vick’ appearances, they hit the banquet circuit and made exclusive deals with Purina. Any good fighting dog worth its salt should be lean and continually starved to maintain its aggressiveness. Our Boston Terrier has not eaten or seen sunlight in days.”
Consequently, the Boston Terrier did not appear at the unveiling ceremony as he has spent the last two days on treadmill in a dark and camouflaged shack on Henderson’s 20 acre property.
In addition to revealing the subject of its cover, Riccitiello disclosed the new features that will appear in the latest generation of the game. Such innovative additions include:
Create-A-Ring: Allows the user to customize a new fighting area by choosing among various carpet designs, lighting fixtures, and wood types for the two-foot high enclosing border.
Kennel Franchise Mode: Players can now challenge established kennel franchises, such as Bad Newz, by creating their own stable of fighting dogs. This feature also allows users to develop their own pharmacy and create customized steroid cocktails to increase size and boost skill levels.
Training Camp Mode: Allows the user to put dogs through a series of pre-fight drills in order to increase their attribute levels. Such exercises include sparring with smaller animals to increase tenacity and attaching dogs to a Jenny, a merry-go-round device used to maximize endurance and heighten equilibrium
Despite his recent legal troubles, Vick is still an avid connoisseur of the gentrified sport and is proud to once again lend his name to this burgeoning video game enterprise.
“The release of this game could not have come on a better time,” Vick said. “With my mounting legal expenses, I am glad I opted for a back-end cut. Additionally, I like the hidden feature that allows the player to release their dogs on snitches”
EA announced that the game is scheduled to hit stores either next week or as soon as members of PETA stop laying in front of the delivery trucks.
COMMUNITY NEWS
Gamy Area Man Actually Calls 1-800-PROVE-IT
CHARLOTTE, NC—Tired of the embarrassing sweat stains accumulating on his shirts and the looks of silent disgust he receives in the close confines of his building’s elevator, area resident Eric Walters actually called the Old Spice hotline 1-800-PROVE-IT and demanded the company buy him a stick of his old stuff.
“Ever since that fateful day at the CVS when I decided, against my better judgment, to buy a stick of Artic Force, I have been relentlessly gamy and the subject of ridicule amongst my co-workers and neighbors,” Eric reported at a distance. “I just let the frauds at Old Spice know, in no uncertain terms, that I want them to honor their commitment and buy me my old stuff.”
Due to the non-activity of their 1-800-PROVE-IT hotline, the multinational fragrance company downsized and outsourced the call center to a non-air conditioned building located in the heart of Calcutta, India. Aja Pruitt, the Old Spice representative who fielded the call, believed it to be a prank and regretfully did not record the conversation, a practice routinely employed to ensure customer satisfaction.
“I am disappointed I did not record the call because now my co-worker Vikas will never believe what a bitch Mr. Eric Walters is,” Pruitt recalled. “He kept on saying ‘I am tired of smelling, I am tired of smelling, nobody will talk to me, I want my old stuff.’ When I told him ‘you are preaching to the choir’ he started crying.”
Pruitt could not confirm that the tears resulted from mere frustration or the overwhelmingly rancid odor which was surely emanating from his body and he did not guarantee Walters that Old Spice would provide sufficient restitution.
Even if Old Spice fails to compensate Walters, colleagues and neighbors have vowed to pool their money to buy any stick that will cease his current rancidness.
“Prior to his ill advised Aqua Force purchase, Eric was a marvel of olfactory delight.” claims co-worker Wendy Metzger. “It was his pleasant musky aroma that compensated for his gross ineptitude at work and superior attitude. He now has to stop pulling rank in two facets of his life.”
Even Walter’s landlord, Daniel Waterford, offered to temporarily fray the cost of his rent so he can afford a sufficient supply of adequate fragrances. “If something doesn’t happen soon, I fear the value of the property will plummet,” Waterford hastily said as Walters entered the building.
Walters still maintains that Old Spice failed to uphold their promise and has sought the guidance of a counselor to help him cope with his everyday reality of odor and wetness. “The therapy sessions have been helpful,” confided Walters. “I just wish they didn’t have to take place over the phone.”
ENTERTAINMENT
Man Forgets to Check Himself Before He Wrecks Himself
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA--Ignoring repeated warnings from both the United States Department of Health and Gangsta Rapper Ice Cube that shotgun bullets are bad for your health, area resident Charles Culpepper tragically neglected to check himself just moments before wrecking himself.
According to an eyewitness speaking on the condition of anonymity, Culpepper was engaged in a heated argument over whether word was bond with an unidentified individual who repeatedly warned Culpepper to “check yo’ self.”
After Culpepper adamantly refused and foolishly forwent the recommended rigorous self-evaluation exercise, the man surprisingly opened fire with a concealed shotgun.
“He came real stealth with that gun, but he had no other recourse,” the witness said. “I mean, Culpepper didn’t even chickity”
Culpepper is in stable condition after being wounded in the leg, although doctors have deemed the limb as a “complete and utter wreck.”
“Those dogs were flash in the pans and didn’t have the commitment to remain champions,” claims Boston Terrier owner Jeremiah Henderson. “After their ‘Vick’ appearances, they hit the banquet circuit and made exclusive deals with Purina. Any good fighting dog worth its salt should be lean and continually starved to maintain its aggressiveness. Our Boston Terrier has not eaten or seen sunlight in days.”
Consequently, the Boston Terrier did not appear at the unveiling ceremony as he has spent the last two days on treadmill in a dark and camouflaged shack on Henderson’s 20 acre property.
In addition to revealing the subject of its cover, Riccitiello disclosed the new features that will appear in the latest generation of the game. Such innovative additions include:
Create-A-Ring: Allows the user to customize a new fighting area by choosing among various carpet designs, lighting fixtures, and wood types for the two-foot high enclosing border.
Kennel Franchise Mode: Players can now challenge established kennel franchises, such as Bad Newz, by creating their own stable of fighting dogs. This feature also allows users to develop their own pharmacy and create customized steroid cocktails to increase size and boost skill levels.
Training Camp Mode: Allows the user to put dogs through a series of pre-fight drills in order to increase their attribute levels. Such exercises include sparring with smaller animals to increase tenacity and attaching dogs to a Jenny, a merry-go-round device used to maximize endurance and heighten equilibrium
Despite his recent legal troubles, Vick is still an avid connoisseur of the gentrified sport and is proud to once again lend his name to this burgeoning video game enterprise.
“The release of this game could not have come on a better time,” Vick said. “With my mounting legal expenses, I am glad I opted for a back-end cut. Additionally, I like the hidden feature that allows the player to release their dogs on snitches”
EA announced that the game is scheduled to hit stores either next week or as soon as members of PETA stop laying in front of the delivery trucks.
COMMUNITY NEWS
Gamy Area Man Actually Calls 1-800-PROVE-IT
CHARLOTTE, NC—Tired of the embarrassing sweat stains accumulating on his shirts and the looks of silent disgust he receives in the close confines of his building’s elevator, area resident Eric Walters actually called the Old Spice hotline 1-800-PROVE-IT and demanded the company buy him a stick of his old stuff.
“Ever since that fateful day at the CVS when I decided, against my better judgment, to buy a stick of Artic Force, I have been relentlessly gamy and the subject of ridicule amongst my co-workers and neighbors,” Eric reported at a distance. “I just let the frauds at Old Spice know, in no uncertain terms, that I want them to honor their commitment and buy me my old stuff.”
Due to the non-activity of their 1-800-PROVE-IT hotline, the multinational fragrance company downsized and outsourced the call center to a non-air conditioned building located in the heart of Calcutta, India. Aja Pruitt, the Old Spice representative who fielded the call, believed it to be a prank and regretfully did not record the conversation, a practice routinely employed to ensure customer satisfaction.
“I am disappointed I did not record the call because now my co-worker Vikas will never believe what a bitch Mr. Eric Walters is,” Pruitt recalled. “He kept on saying ‘I am tired of smelling, I am tired of smelling, nobody will talk to me, I want my old stuff.’ When I told him ‘you are preaching to the choir’ he started crying.”
Pruitt could not confirm that the tears resulted from mere frustration or the overwhelmingly rancid odor which was surely emanating from his body and he did not guarantee Walters that Old Spice would provide sufficient restitution.
Even if Old Spice fails to compensate Walters, colleagues and neighbors have vowed to pool their money to buy any stick that will cease his current rancidness.
“Prior to his ill advised Aqua Force purchase, Eric was a marvel of olfactory delight.” claims co-worker Wendy Metzger. “It was his pleasant musky aroma that compensated for his gross ineptitude at work and superior attitude. He now has to stop pulling rank in two facets of his life.”
Even Walter’s landlord, Daniel Waterford, offered to temporarily fray the cost of his rent so he can afford a sufficient supply of adequate fragrances. “If something doesn’t happen soon, I fear the value of the property will plummet,” Waterford hastily said as Walters entered the building.
Walters still maintains that Old Spice failed to uphold their promise and has sought the guidance of a counselor to help him cope with his everyday reality of odor and wetness. “The therapy sessions have been helpful,” confided Walters. “I just wish they didn’t have to take place over the phone.”
ENTERTAINMENT
Man Forgets to Check Himself Before He Wrecks Himself
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA--Ignoring repeated warnings from both the United States Department of Health and Gangsta Rapper Ice Cube that shotgun bullets are bad for your health, area resident Charles Culpepper tragically neglected to check himself just moments before wrecking himself.
According to an eyewitness speaking on the condition of anonymity, Culpepper was engaged in a heated argument over whether word was bond with an unidentified individual who repeatedly warned Culpepper to “check yo’ self.”
After Culpepper adamantly refused and foolishly forwent the recommended rigorous self-evaluation exercise, the man surprisingly opened fire with a concealed shotgun.
“He came real stealth with that gun, but he had no other recourse,” the witness said. “I mean, Culpepper didn’t even chickity”
Culpepper is in stable condition after being wounded in the leg, although doctors have deemed the limb as a “complete and utter wreck.”
Upon receiving the news of the incident, Ice Cube, whose 1992 hit “Check Yo’ Self “ poignantly articulated the consequences of Culpepper’s actions, released the following statement:
“I believe that we will reach a day when there will be universal recognition that checking oneself is the only preventative measure to wrecking yo self. Are We There Yet? No. Will it happen Friday? No . . . Next Friday? No . . . The Friday After Next? No. I have to say X-X-X to that because that is just the State of the Union. This is Dangerous Ground and it is not like Higher Learning on such an important and socially relevant issue like this one can be purchased in some Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin. It takes time.”
Culpepper’s assailant still remains at-large, however sources within the LAPD have hinted that the shooting was justified and any charges would be quickly dismissed.
NATIONAL BRIEFS
President Bush Elevates Threat Level After Reading Spoiler Alert
WASHINGTON, DC--Department of Homeland Security spokesman Russ Knocke announced President Bush has elevated the National Threat Level to Orange after reading a disturbing spoiler alert on an IMDB message board.
According to Knocke, Bush had been perusing the Smallville forum on the popular movie database website, when he encountered an alarming message from Lex_Loser69.
“In his downtime yesterday afternoon, President Bush went online to opine and speculate about the much anticipated upcoming 7th season with other Smallville enthusiasts. That is when he came across the disconcerting spoiler alert,” Knocke said. “The unidentified user, who goes by Lex underscore Loser 69, claimed a supernatural attack on Smallville will result in the possible death of Chloe, Clark Kent’s best friend. Our latest multi-sourced intelligence validates this assertion and the President is taking this threat to our national security very seriously.”
According to several White House insiders, President Bush has been placed in an undisclosed location and has issued a deployment consisting of US military forces and state militia to the fictional Kansas farming community.
Upon reading the message, President Bush ordered the threat level be raised to "the color of Slice"
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow would not confirm that President Bush has been removed from the grounds, but he did release the following statement on the President’s behalf:
“We will expend every resource available to protect our country and save our Chloe. Her spunk and bright-eyed idealism represents the true American spirit. While her love for Clark may be unrequited, our collective feelings for her are out in the open spaces. We will also do whatever it takes to save her community. Although your ville might be small, your heart looms large.”
Despite the apparent credibility of Lex_Loser69’s information, both The Department of Homeland Security and The Pentagon will continue to collaborate to identify his source, the guy who is friends with the girl who used to date Tom Welling’s personal trainer.
I would have added these articles to the actual Daily Lodger Website, however I cannot recall both my Geocities username and password. Additionally, all those who want to visit the archive can do so by clicking the nominal link on the left hand side of this page. Also, I encourage you to post your own headlines you would have liked to see on the website. I hope all is well and take care.
# posted by Uncle D. @ 11:32 AM 
Comments:
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http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/2007/08/30/2007-08-30_trained_to_be_killers_vicks_pit_bulls_no.html
# posted by 
: 7:05 AM
: 7:05 AM
You know the first iteration of dog fighting was an unlockable mini game in John Madden 06, which surprisingly had Vick on the cover.
Grand Theft Auto producers allegedly claim its no hot coffee.
I love the newest iteration senior. Can we please get daily articles or something. I freakin dying here.
Grand Theft Auto producers allegedly claim its no hot coffee.
I love the newest iteration senior. Can we please get daily articles or something. I freakin dying here.
Sometimes I eat foods that have danger signs on the back of the labels to test if those companies really know what they are talking about. Turns out, they do...
p.s.
Mint flavored rubbing alcohol doesn't taste as good as it smells.
Why do they call it flavored dammit.
My brain feels fuzzy...
Post a Comment
Mint flavored rubbing alcohol doesn't taste as good as it smells.
Why do they call it flavored dammit.
My brain feels fuzzy...
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