What Brown Can't Do For You

Of all the Da Vinci Code's shameless plugs, most of them ended up going into Tom Hanks' head

Now, I don’t venture to the movies that often, which is a shame considering I could have abused the student discount at my college theater for an additional two years. However, despite not seeing any of the following movies, I have pieced together a composite synopsis for each one based exclusively on their titles and trailers alone:

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: The phenomenon of drifting, an art that politically dissident Cubans have perfected on water since 1959, has been revised and incorporated into underground automobile racing on the streets of Japan in this soon to be TNT new classic. Many critics have deemed this film the best of the recently beleaguered TFATF franchise, which is all but incontestable, considering it is sans the wooden Paul Walker. Walker, rumor has it, callously turned down the opportunity to star in the last installment of the trilogy to film Eight Below or, as it is known on this blog, 2 Fast 2 Furry-ous.

Little Man: Unfortunately, this movie is being touted as "from the makers of White Chicks," which is a shame because everything should be judged based on its individual merit. Essentially, instead of being a cop who poses as a white woman, Marlon Wayans plays the titular "little man," a criminal masquerading as an infant. He is subsequently adopted by a well-to-do man, played by the Other One, and his wife, who immediately becomes an object of his affection. However, this is where the film unpredictably, but brilliantly evolves from a trite and intellectually bereft escapade into a Greek Tragedy reminiscent of the works of Sophocles. Little Man, overcome by his lustful attraction, cowardly kills his surrogate father in a moment of passionate rage. However, once the act is complete, he undergoes a cathartic moment of great sorrow as he realizes that he has just killed the only benevolent father figure he has ever known. Blinded by his own sense of suffocating pity, Little Man leaves the home to wander the earth during a self-imposed time-out. Forget a sequel; let’s talk trilogy.

John Tucker Must Die: This film chronicles the exploits of John Tucker, a veritable Campus Man who cleverly manages to keep his multiple partners secret from one another. When his transgressions are inevitably unveiled, John becomes the subject of revenge for the vindictive ladies he coldly exploited. Unfortunately, one of the vixens is the unappealing Ashanti (he must have been drunk), who enlists the help of her cohorts at Murder Inc. The movie concludes when the unsuspecting John asks Ja Rule for the time, to which Ja replies, "Half Past Dead mother tucker!" Thus, John unwittingly becomes another tragic statistic in the senseless turf battle between tone deaf rappers.

In the movie, Ashanti plays a boy crazed 18 year-old cheerleader. Give me aaaaaaaaaaaa . . . .BREAK!!!

# posted by Uncle D. @ 3:15 PM