What Brown Can't Do For You

The only thing that could possibly be more Gigantic than Saturday is apparently the man standing right next to it.

Despite studying Spanish for several years, including a few semesters in college, my vocabulary and grammatical understanding are strictly confined to "si," "no," "¿Puedo ir al cuarto de baño?," and "zapataria." However, I have also heard that the word "gol" in Spanish is loosely translated into English as "goal." Fortunately, this uncomplicated translation is the only prerequisite for understanding soccer matches broadcast on Univision.

For the average American sports fan, soccer is typically an after thought. It is low scoring, it is difficult to differentiate the players, and it has a tendency to violate standard child labor laws (i.e. 15 year old Freddy Ado). However, the impassioned cries of the Univision announcer more than compensate for these inherent, yet forgivable flaws as he seamlessly breaks down the barriers of logic to get me excited about a sport and language that I don’t understand.

In addition to coercing him to play for their team, I wouldn't be surprised if the D.C. United made 15 year-old Freddy Adu sew his own uniform.

For instance, here is a call he made during last Sunday’s apparently exciting Brazil-Australia match: "Ronaldinho a Ronaldo a Kaka! Kaka sostiene la pelota!! Kaka sostiene la pelota!!! a Ronaldinho, a Ronalado a Kaka!!!! Kaka golpea la pelota . . .
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (announcer briefly pauses after passing out, but gains consciousness after a few seconds and resumes the call) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!

To summarize what transpired, evidently Little Ronaldo (Ronaldinho) passed it to Regular Ronaldo who in turn passed it to Kaka. Kaka, who I assume has the patience of a saint, proceeded to hold the ball and then held the ball some more before passing it back to Little Ronaldo. Little Ronaldo, who is contractually obligated to always pass the ball to Regular Ronaldo, did so without hesitation. Upon receiving the ball (a.k.a. pelota), Regular Ronaldo, who was so impressed with his last pass to Kaka, repeated the exercise and kicked it to Kaka. Kaka then unconventionally forewent the stern dictates of mundane repetitiveness that usually govern the low scoring sport by attempting to put the ball in the net. Seemingly against all odds, he succeeded and euphoria ensued (primarily in the broadcaster’s booth).

My description of the action, despite being comprehensible to all "uni-lingual" Americans, is far less compelling then that of the Spanish announcer. However, despite his Herculean efforts, I will not be able to sustain a long-term interest in the game simply because of its low scoring nature. I just don’t understand how one goalie could protect such a large area from intrusion. Which begs the question, why not place one at our borders? And if somebody happens to slip by him, the Spanish announcer could capture the intensity of the moment by shouting Ille-GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope all is well with everyone and I implore you to leave a quick message to let me know how you are doing.

# posted by Uncle D. @ 11:44 AM