What Brown Can't Do For You

I don’t often partake in the political dialogue that often polarizes the American citizenry. I refrain from doing so primarily because I am not smart enough to participate, but also because I like to have friends. It seems that everyone these days has developed a heightened political sensitivity. Therefore, by possessing an apolitical nature, I feel that I am non-threatening to my acquaintances with strong political leanings and thus we can co-exist peacefully. However, over the past few months or so, it has been increasingly difficult to ignore the mounting tension and criticism within and surrounding the Bush administration. Again, I feel that I am an impartial observer to this political imbroglio between staunch Democratic minority opposition and self-righteous right-wing Republicans; however I think it is about time to provide some commentary on the issues at the forefront of this partisan debate. I know that traditionally this blog has addressed inane, yet relevant, topics such as Fergie’s lumps and Chino’s hair, however I hope that for this week you will implore me on the condition that next week I will expound upon the virtues and hidden subtext of some esoteric Nintendo game and/or movie.

With all that has happened in the world and within his administration, President Bush, with his need to save face with the public, is so beleaguered that he is starting to remind me of the Black Knight. No, not Martin Lawrence, but the one who gets his arms and legs cut off in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Let's draw analogies between the two by listing hotly contested political issues and a corresponding quote by the Black Knight that best surmises Bush's thoughts on the matter:

• The outrage resulting from inadequate federal response to Hurricane Katrina: “Tis but a scratch . . . I’ve had worse.”
• The embarrassing fall out from the Harriet Miers nomination: “It’s just a flesh wound.”
• The indictment of former Vice President Chief-of-Staff I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby: “I am invincible!”
• The potential indictment of top Bush advisor Karl Rove: “ . . . Oh! Alright, we'll call it a draw.”

Let’s start with the Hurricane. Did FEMA director “Brownie” ‘do a hell of a job’ as Bush so eloquently stated? Yes he did . . . at being a metrosexual. This week, a series of e-mails between Brown and various federal officials during the wake of Katrina revealed that the former FEMA director was quite concerned with his outfit during his televised appearances. In one round of missives, he praised his fashion prowess and commented that he got his shirt at Nordstrom’s—whether he actually bought it or looted it is yet to be known. With the enormity of what was going on, these e-mails and remarks by Brown were certainly off the cuff (terrible). In all seriousness though, how could we expect President Bush to assist all those who lost their homes to the ravaging flood waters when he had to tend to a leak within his own house?

Of course I am referring to the revelation that the wife of former U.S. Ambassador Joseph C. Wilson, Valerie Plame, worked for the C.I.A. This all came after Wilson, who inspected whether Sadaam had looked for the delicious, but deadly, yellow cake uranium in Africa, wrote an op-ed piece in the NY Times saying he didn’t find anything to that effect. So an investigation ensued to see who had leaked Plame’s status to Robert Novak, who is responsible for publishing her name. I would just like to say that Novak, who bears a striking resemblance to Hans Moleman, is the real criminal here.

"I was saying Booo-ush"

Anyway, two years later, we have the indictment of Lewis “Scooter” Libby for I don’t know what—and I am guessing lead leak investigator Patrick Fitzgerald doesn’t know either. However, I think it does include an allegation of obstruction of justice, a charge so ambiguous that it almost sounds like a football penalty. Consequently, if a jury finds Libby guilty upon further review, he will be sentenced fifteen yards and will be charged with a timeout. The media, who have been rooting for a scandal because the rent to the Situation Room is past due, have obnoxiously referred to this whole humiliating situation as “Plame-Gate” However, it which would actually be appropriate if it were spelled “Plame-Gait” considering Libby, who is currently on crutches, is going to walk (both physically and legally).

Meanwhile, Bush, after doing the right thing by nominating John Roberts, was universally slammed for tabbing Harriet Miers to be an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. Miers, who has virtually no qualifying judicial experience, must have felt like she won the lottery, or at least commissioned it anyway.

Well, after Miers was shunned and announced her withdrawal, along with the winning numbers, Bush went ahead and nominated perhaps the most qualified candidate in recent history, Judge Samuel Alito, much to the chagrin of the Democrats. Coincidentally, Alito was appointed to the federal bench 15 years ago by President Bush’s father, proving once and for all that the members of the Bush family are Alit-ists.

Anyway, the Democrats were so pissed off that Bush nominated someone so overly qualified that they went ahead and brought up some old shit. Harry Reid, the Democratic Minority Leader in the Senate, demanded answers as to what extent the Bush Administration misled the public into war and he went ahead and called for a closed session of Congress. I had to twist some arms and call in a few favors, but I have obtained the exclusive footage of that closed session. You can see all the drama unfold here: Secret Closed Congressional Session

This seemingly blatant attempt to delay the official appointment of Judge Alito was compounded by the Democrats’ threat to filibuster and further put off the Alito proceedings. Upon hearing the news, Bush went to his top aides and asked “How can we stop this Phillip Uster? Does his wife work for the C.I.A.?”

Let's not forget about the potential bird flu pandemic. The other day, President Bush announced a plan that called for the allocation of $7.1 billion. He then vowed to further study up on the issue and dispensed Laura to the local Blockbuster to rent "One Flu in the Cookoo's Nest." The president was decidedly upset to find out that movie doesn't exist.

With all that is going on in the country, one can’t blame the President for wanting to leave for a while. This week, he is Central America meeting with leaders of Democratic countries and scouting shortstops for the Texas Rangers. Unfortunately, he was met with great opposition by masses of Latin Americans, some of whom started calling him a fascist. These accusations may sound like a bad thing from an outsider’s perspective, but based on some of the backward political ideologies floating around that region of the world; it could be considered a compliment.

I am sure that some of the facts here are somewhat incorrect, but that shouldn’t detract from the overall theme of this entry: I am so bored, that I have actually reverted to following the news intently. If you are reading this, please hire me. Also, I appreciate all those who continue to read this blog and I ask you kindly to leave a comment along the way. I hope all is well and have a good weekend. Take care.