What Brown Can't Do For You

Apparently the 80's are in. I just found this out ten minutes ago when VH-1 told me. However by the time I dig my Rubix Cube and vintage "What You Talkin' Bout Willis" t-shirt from the attic, the fad will have passed and will have been left looking like an out of date idiot (kind of what I look like now). Therefore, I have decided to think ahead and prepare myself for when early-90's pop culture will inevitably be en vogue so I will be au courant with the latest fashions. Consequently, I have been trying to think of what was popular about 15 years ago, aside from Joey Lawrence. So far, only two things immediately come to mind: Oregon Trail and Saved By the Bell.

Oregon Trail provided an all too fleeting escape from an otherwise monotonous school day by allowing me to vicariously encounter all the perils this ardous digital journey had to offer such as sickly oxen and shifty ferry handling indians. Ultimately, if I was lucky to complete the voyage, my improbable and time consuming accomplishment was duely rewarded with a shitty two-bit graphic that read: "Welcome to Oregon! Enjoy Our Pot Smoking Basketball Team!"

Meanwhile, Saved By the Bell is more familiar territory. I am sure that everybody has seen each episode at least 5-10 times, including that summer season when the gang worked at the Beach Club that was never sunny.

Although seemingly bound only by their proximity in the spectrum of popular culture, upon further retrospection, I have discovered that Oregon Trail and Saved By The Bell share common thematic elements and ideals. If examined carefully, each subtlely, yet thoroughly, depicts Americans' fulfilling the historically romantic ideal of Manifest Destiny. Bare with me.

In the game, economically struggling Americans from the East and Midwest abandon their traditional means of making a living and venture West in the hope of enhancing their status and improving their way of life. In doing so, they consequently transform the geographic and societal dynamics of the United States by allowing the country to encompass its natural borders from the East to West Coast.

Although in a different medium and in the guise of a campy Saturday morning television sitcom, Saved By The Bell achieves the same goal. However, to fully understand SBTB in this context, it is important to examine the show's own evolution.

When Saved By The Bell initially aired, it was known as "Good Morning Miss Bliss" and was set in an Indianapolis middle school with its title character, omniscient and frigid history teacher Miss Bliss, aptly played by Hayley Mills of Disney's Pollyanna fame. Although, Richard Belding served ably as principal of this institution, he was dissatisfied with his subservient role to the attention hungry Miss Bliss. Consequently, over a period of two years, Belding secretly shopped his services elesewhere and finally found a buyer in Bayside High School in sunny California. However, in order to gaurantee a successful move and feel comfortable in his new surroundings, Belding needed to convince several students with whom he had a good comedic rapport to accompany him to the West Coast. There was a catch. Belding needed to find students who had their own justifiable motivations to venture to California. So, in an off-camera television coup de tat, a very persuasive Richard Belding convinced three very impressionable students, Zack Morris, Lisa Turtle, and Samuel "Screech" Powers, to leave the monotonous pace of Midwestern life for the the fresh and exhilirating opportunitues awaiting them at Bayside High School. In doing so, Belding single-handedly revolutionized a show desparate for ratings and changed the course of Saturday morning television forever by launching the long running and lucrative Saved By The Bell franchise.

But why did Zack, Lisa, and Screech leave the comfortable environs of suburban Indianapolis? Let's examine their motivations on a character by character basis.

Zack simply did it for the pu$$y and eventually grew up to be a blonde haired Fonzi; but instead of a leather jacket, Zack Attack sported a wide array of turtle necks displayed nicely under an equally impressive collection of Cosby-esque sweaters.

Lisa, now here was a career motivated woman. In the early 1990's Indianapolis wasn't exactly a hotbed for cutting edge fashion. Realizing this would be detrimental to accomplishing her lifelong pursuit for a career in desing, Ms. Turtle packed her bags for trendy Bayside, where creative fashion sense was en vogue.

Screech was simply a package with Zack. He kept him morally grounded and balanced. Metaphorically speaking, he was the ying to Zack's tremendously overdemanding wang. Plus, every clique needs a whipping post and Screech filled that role handily by taking his frequent lashings in comedic stride. And if you remember, he was handsomely rewarded with a burret bearing girlfriend played by a pre-90210 Tori Spelling.

As for the students left behind to toil in Indianapolis, no one knows what became of them. Maybe they stayed the course and left Indiana with a degree. Although rumor has it they weren't excluded from Belding's California adventure, they just couldn't complete the journey. It has been said that one spent all of his money at the General Store, while one was unable to ford the river, and an other simply died of a broken arm.

Well, although it is a bit of a reach, both Oregon Trail and Saved By The Bell multi-dimensionally parallel eachother. Either that or I need a job. I hope all is well with everyone and I encourage you to post your own hypothesis, whether it be related to Oregon Trail, Saved By The Bell, or otherwise. Take care.

P.S.: Do yourself a favor and check out the New Zealand folk duo Flight of the Conchords at http://whatthefolk.net Click the "Stuff" option on the side-bar and download the four songs listed there starting with "Jenny." Ok, take care.